Get uncomfortable, it’s Valentine’s day…
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Yes, it’s that time of year to have uncomfortable thoughts about relationships, and sex. Is your child or sibling desperate for a relationship but frankly, you’re not sure it’s right? Are you avoiding supporting a person in this aspect of life because it’s frankly too awkward? Or because you’re worried about the risks? Or maybe the people you support haven’t seemed to show an interest in companionship of this kind. Our family consultants are here to help:
Tell us a heartwarming Valentine’s story….
Kate: The staying up late campaign has warmed my heart – it’s fantastic to break those systems that hold people back from choosing the life they want. Has the person you support tried Gig Buddies or Sport Buddies yet? Get involved!
Nicola: Here’s a great example of how people feel when they’re in love and what it can bring to your life. I challenge you not to smile watching this!
Rosie: I’ve spent a lifetime seeing my older Brother navigate relationships. He was, once, supported to find and maintain a romantic relationship. That was in his early twenties. He, along with most of his peers, need support to make and maintain friendships and relationships. Because of the pandemic, many of those relationships have stopped but I think warmly of some of his friends who are married and especially of the beautiful dance routine they made together. Relationships can look different to everyone but it’s fantastic they have had the opportunity to find their ‘other half’. I was so delighted to hear of Anna, who Dimensions supports in Bromsgrove, being supported out in the evenings – that’s so important – and to manage her emotions around her relationship.
As a relative to someone with a learning disability / autism, what are your hopes and fears in terms of them finding love?
Kate: My hopes are that my son will find a loving partner and be supported to enjoy and maintain all of his relationships. I fear that he will fall in love and not be supported to spend time with the person, or to make their relationship flourish. I fear that he will resort to inappropriate behaviour, due to lack of good support.
Nicola: I hope my daughter can find someone who can appreciate her beautiful mind and loves and accepts her for all that she is. I fear that she won’t find someone who won’t judge her and who she can truly allow her to be herself.
Rosie: I hope that my siblings get both the support and understanding that they need around relationships and to be able to explore what they want. Relationships can be complicated and confusing for us all, even more so if you’re autistic. And we know many people, whether neuro-diverse or not, can have different gender identities and ways of relating and having relationships. It’s not always about sex, for example, but often that’s what the focus can be on. An open minded approach to sexuality and sexual orientation is needed alongside the confidence to talk about this topic. Opportunities to meet likeminded people with discreet support is so important. Opportunity to talk openly will, I think, only protect and safeguard our loved ones more.
How can people with a learning disability find a date?
Kate: In the same way that many of us do, through social groups, activities we attend and at work. Like Angela and Mike, who met in the pub and have been separated by covid for the past two years, now back having a cwtch together!
Nicola: Getting out and about doing activities they enjoy as a shared interest is definitely a great way to meet friends and an opportunity to find love.
Rosie: Confidence building can be really important here! I think dating services specifically for people with learning disabilities are a good thing too.
When I was a student learning disabilities nurse I helped a psychologist run a group where people were supported by each other to explore important relationship issues and this worked really well – it ran in tandem with evening opportunities (club nights etc) where people could meet likeminded others.
I just want people like my siblings to have opportunity to live the lives they want with the right understanding and support.
What do we think about online dating, and dating services specifically for people with learning disabilities?
Rosie: I do worry about online dating and the risks involved. The internet can be such a confusing place. If anyone’s seen the Amazon Prime show “As we see it”, I think they explored this really well.
I can see that it might suit people really well if it’s supported properly where needed and if people have support and opportunity to explore issues like keeping safe online.
What are the barriers to love – and sex – for people with a learning disability / autism?
Nicola: Not having the right support in place. Cultural issues such as not having sex before marriage and old fashioned advice that lead families to believe that romantic relationships and love may not be of interest or possible to sustain.
Kate: Education – there’s a lot of complexity around love and sex which isn’t always accessible – and is often taboo (‘they’ shouldn’t, couldn’t, mustn’t etc). Low expectations on the part of support teams and families. Lack of permission for support staff to support relationships to flourish. Fear (of pregnancies, rape etc)
Rosie: I think often autistic people & people with a learning disability are seen in our society as ‘other’. So not people who might want relationships and sex like the rest of us. And through this ‘othering,’ their support needs can be overlooked. However, we can all get lonely, we can all want relationships. Sometimes fear of what might go wrong is the barrier too, or lack of understanding of how to support things to go right – or at least how to support people to explore this area of life.
I think sometimes that in an absence of support, people can ‘get the wrong end of the stick’ about how to make relationships and find love. This can mean that they do things that are perceived as predatory and can end up in all sorts of trouble.
How can support workers provide great support in this area?
Rosie: Listen to what people with a learning disability have to say. Provide information! Break the taboo and talk about things, with colleagues and managers. Look at the resources below, and use them. Think about opportunities for socialising locally, for people to find likeminded others who they might gel with. Support people to understand sex, sexuality, safety etc. If you’re not sure about things, talk. Maybe get a referral to the local community learning disabilities team if the situation feels more complex – their psychologists and/or learning disability nurses may well be able to support you to provide support.
Nicola: Firstly build a great partnership with families on a foundation of mutual trust and respect.
Teach people the basics of everyday consent (as simple as borrowing a book from someone else,) that a person saying yes to something once doesn’t mean that applies across all situations or at other times.
These skills will be the basis for further conversations about love. They’re a great way to demonstrate to families that the support you provide is good, in line with the needs of their loved one.
Dispel myths about people with autism and/or learning disabilities not having capacity.
Be considerate of family cultures when talking about these things.
Pick your moments and consider your language. The word sex can make some people embarrassed, uncomfortable or be completely taboo.
Kate: All the above. And sign up to ‘Supported Loving’!
How should we begin to talk about issues like contraception and abuse?
Nicola: I think supporting people to have these conversations with family members is really important but should not just be dropped casually into conversation. Build the relationships with the family and gradually introduce the idea. Is there a crush developing? This could be a great way to start a conversation about this.
Kate: With care and compassion, with a view to supporting the very best outcomes of good ordinary lives for everyone.
Rosie: Remember that some people might need you to be direct, rather than skirting around an issue. Some people don’t understand ‘gentle’ language and need factual discussions. This can feel uncomfortable until you get used to it. Of course, some people need tact and sensitivity too. Maybe try watching tv shows with a storyline around abuse or pregnancy/STI’s to prompt a discussion, or use books beyond words “Loving each other safely” for example to gently begin and support discussion.
Make sure that if abuse is reported, you follow this up sensitively and make sure the person you support has the support they are entitled to – use the links below.
What help is available for people, their families and their support teams?
Guides for individuals and those that support them
- Supported Loving: Outstanding toolkit from Choice Support
- Falling in love, Loving each other safely, Hug me, touch me: Three brilliant picture stories from Beyond Words
- Sexual health and wellbeing guidance including videos from Brook
- Advice on relationships and sex from Mencap
- Understanding transgender from Achieve Together
Dating agencies
A number of past winners of the Learning Disability and Autism Leaders List have set up their own dating agencies! Here’s a couple: Dates ‘n’ mates and Meet ‘n’ match. You could also try:
If you know of a dating agency not referenced here, get in touch!
Training for support teams
- Y be Shy
- Skills for Care guide for managers
- NDTI report for managers
… And you can always seek expert advice from Dimensions Family consultants!
In case of abuse
- Escaping domestic abuse: Toolkit from Ann Craft Trust
- Somerset rape and sexual abuse support: If you know of similar support in your area, get in touch
- Respond: For people who have experienced trauma
- SafeLink: For victims of sexual abuse
- Victim support
- Rape Crisis